I start a new job in one week, one where I thought I would enter the doors of this new place excited and positive. I was told once not long ago that I needed to stay positive, positive about everything and I did that day forward and so much good shit happened to me in a short period of time. Now, there is no positive, there is no forward. I will enter those halls and I feel dirty, I feel empty and mostly I feel alone. Alone should be a 4 letter word.

I never thought I would be here. Empty once again.

Thanks for listening internet.

Untitled from chad totaro on Vimeo.

As I walk through your doors of your office park building, it is not that intimidating. I have been doing this for a long time and I have sat on both sides of the table. There is a certain mindset that I get into, only one shot at the interview. As a designer, most everything should be considered. The interview suit, the portfolio, the ability to talk and discuss ones work. I have worked long and hard on my portfolio, it is great and I really like it and I am very proud of it. I have gotten a lot of great feedback on my presentation – I made, 100% of me went into it and it is all me. So, I respect the interviewie and I hope that I get the same respect back. Over the course of the last few weeks I have been on 7 interviews and 6 of them I was respected.

I don’t mind being grilled about design, but don’t judge me on my ability to recite how to insert a hyper-link , although I will tell you the right answer. Design is about execution, but it far more important to get the concept right, the idea and the vision – the execution is just that – execution. The last few weeks I have been going around and around, new shirt, tie, no tie, black shoes, sunglasses, printed resumes, thank you letters and with that I am here, I am still walking and yes, I have scored.

So as I interview you and digest it all for the weekend, trust me when I say, I know what I am doing and I know how to make my decision. Trust the process? Right?

Walking into the thundering building with a structure built just for me, wheels turning, wood smells in the air – Velodrome time is near. From one office park to another, from one session of impressing to another of decompressing. Have a look.

Another decent weekend in Boulder and with that another good day of riding. This weekend a bunch of us choose to ride from my house in Boulder with an attempt to log as close to five hours on the bike and near 100 miles. A few plans and routes were hashed out – to Horsetooth, to Mead, to Carter Lake. In the end because of strong winds we decided to just do the normal Carter Lake loop and possibly throw in an extra loop at the end.
Bad mojo was in the air when I woke on Saturday, usually I have coffee made, my cycling gear all ready to go and bottles made and food rationed. The group started to show and we were behind, some were lost, some late and me, well, I was sort of both – lost brain, late body.

After a few coffees and some chatter we rolled out into the wind, it was strong and gusting and the ride was fast tempo to start. The wind never makes it easy, riders go to hard to compensate for the slower speed and it causes the group to break. A few new riders with massive strength but a bit of lacking knowledge on when to use it or not pushed the tempo and in with 4 miles it was splintered. I was to blame for the fast start, but sometimes rolling out of town it is good to step it up just a hair to tighten up the group, force the double paceline and keep it steady to reinforce the task at hand for the day. When Bill and I pulled off the front the next two had their game faces on.

Things settled down and the ride sorted itself out, but for some reason riders still had trouble and were quick to comment. It is a training ride is my thought and it was not race pace, so I am not sure what the problem was but it was turning into one of those days. Couple that with a sudden windy snow storm and it got even more interesting. The snow lasted only a few moments and then just turned back to a massive head wind.
The Route: The route was modified mid-pedal stroke and we ducked down a dirt road and onward towards Mead, Colorado instead of heading to the Carter Lake Loop. This was fine except no one had any idea where we were going, so we freestyled the route and just headed north and east as that is were Mead was supposed to be.
I took the Berthould townline sprint. The only thing is no one on the team sprints for townlines, so I had no competition. Back home in Philadelphia, town line sprints are gold. The exclamation point of a small team ride, county line signs are double exclamation points. I tried to explain the concept of town line sprints but no one was listening. You would think that such as cycling area like Boulder with its reputation would know about the townline. Perhaps Boulder cyclists are above the town line sprint and only go for race day sprints. Needless to say, I go it and I enjoyed it.

Mead Colorado:
Why did we head to Mead, Colorado? Well, it sure wasn’t for the women, the first major race in the area is the Mead Roubaix ( there are no cobbles). We decided to go run a couple laps of the 15 mile course which consisted of a bunch of dirt roads, a small main street with no stop signs or traffic lights and some rolling paved sections. This race is going to be hard. The dirt sections are long and straight, a tough mans course for sure. Also, the winds are going to be howling and when they are it will add that next element of pain.

The main dirt sections are long and rolling, the dirt was very loose and the tires sank and squirmed. Hopefully some rain will hit and harden them up because the way it sits not will make for some seriously interesting racing for sure. It was almost sand and 25MM tires on road bike plodding through sand is not going to be that much fun. Once off the first long dirt section the road continues straight and fast towards town with a slight downhill. The final sprint will be cool, with a right and left hand turn back into town which will then open up into a drag race for the line on Main Street, Mead, Colorado.

The ride back home from Mead was nice and social with a few scheduled tempo sections, a coke stop and the final sprint back to Niwot ( I took that one too ).

I have 3 sessions on the track now, 1 with my friend Nick and the other 2 as part of the 8 week intermediate class that I am taking. I am sort of stoked on the velodrome but I must admit the stoke is not coming without some risk and for sure a few scary moments already. It is a daunting experience riding on this track with its 45 degree banks and 130 meter track; now mix this with varying levels of cycling experience and knowledge from complete newbies, kamakazies, excel catalog riders and me ( a fredly wanna-be racer) throw 10 them on a velodrome doing drills and it is bound to bring some close calls.

I have found that the track is great for riding at the blue line and riding tempo, one of the guys in the class whom knows I race and such asked why I wasn’t lighting it up during our open 10 lap ride, I felt as though hammering below the pole line was not necessary. 10 people of varying abilities do not need me hammering all out. Anyhow, safety is my biggest concern and coming out of this experience in one piece is my number one goal.

Session one last week had a group of us riding 1/2 the class above the blue line as we were the ones that went through the beginner 101 and the others had never been on the track and the instructor was just getting them up to speed. After .5 hours we got into a paceline and then proceeded one by one to drop to the pole line and proceed to ride hard, lapping the group and slot onto the back of the paceline. Not to tough but it was my first time riding that fast and that low on the track but no big thing. I did see some funny lines taken but a few… oh boy.

After this session the BIC had an exhibition race with 12 riders for a first Friday event, it was very cool to see these awesome riders ripping around the track.

This week we went right into a drill called the snake, the 10 riders rode in a spaced out paceline , roughly 2 bike lengths between each rider. The last rider has to snake his way around and through the gaps. I was a bit scared going into this one, I suspected there might be carnage. The instructor demoed this and went first, riding nice and steady and aware. After he finished the first rider came and came hard, riding really fast and swerving like a rice rocket on the Schyukll Expressway. More riders came and for the most part it was blind weaving and dicing. One older dude came hard and fast, dove down the track, off the track and onto the apron, up the corner and pinned the instructor on the rail, the instructor did a nice job not getting drilled. I think this scared him a bit. This drill I think may have been bit soon for this group. I tried to gauge my speed and not feel as though I need to weave like it was a car chase.

Drill number 2 tonight had us advancing from the back and passing the whole group on the high line. This was real simple but I think a better drill than the more advanced first drill we did, perhaps this would have been better first.

The last bit just had us riding laps for 15 minutes, I finally got in the drops and drilled a low line below the pole and went pretty hard. The drops were a little frightening at first. I learned that the arms should be more straight and stiff, like a sway bar or brace it helps to hold the corners.

A few guys from my team showed up after for the open session and asked me to stay and ride but I chose to go eat at Picas with Anna instead and get ready for tomorrow 100 miler.

Peace velo-heads. I am stoked to do some miss and out soon!

Today we rolled nice and tight 2 x 2, chatter and bs’ing about.  It is winter and of course it would not be complete with multiple flat tires – once november rolls around everyone should put on some heavy, slow winter tires, just sayin.  The ride is fun,  organized and has a few moments where it turns into a race,  not the whole ride but a few key moments ( town lines ).  Since there are only 3 towns in 100 miles we sprint for each town and miles before the sprint things start to line up, everyone becomes quiet and the pedals are moving with a purpose.

I lead out the last sprint from a ways out and it was fast and single file,  a young new comer tried to come around me but I shut that down! It was great to be out on such a nice winter day, chatting, looking at bikes, hearing of plans of old and new. It is going to be a good 2011 and I am looking forwards to this weeks Deertrail team ride.

A new year and already things in my head are swirling around like bike racers rolling around a velodrome.  New years bring new starts? No?  If that is the case than I would like to put 2010 behind and perhaps forget about it.  It was an interesting year with extreme highs and extreme lows.  So,  with all the new thoughts swirling around my head I decided that my body needed to swirl around and around as well.

I have given great thought to get myself some time on a velodrome,  learn the ins and out of riding on a track.  When I lived back in Philly the Lehigh Valley Velodrome was just a bit to far for me to take advantage of.  The plans were always hatched but in the end things just never worked out – logistically it was to far, the beginner class was to early and on and on.  When we moved to Boulder at the end of 2009 I had a renewed interest in riding a velodrome especially with a indoor velo just a few miles away. I hatched another plan,  made a visit to the velo, watched in awe as riders whipped around on the super steep banks of the Boulder Indoor Cycling Velodrome.  I was frightened just standing there and watching as 8 second laps were thrown down at high speeds.  Just like anything new there is a sort of childish excitement that engulfs my body,  this anxious nervousness to wrap my head and brain around something new,  something fresh.  I think that is the buzz that I search for everyday whether it is from cycling, music, art, design, this unknown is what keeps me young. So,  with the newness and buzz of  the unknown my plan was falling together. I secured a bike from Cannondale and Caffeinated Cyclist,  I rode it around a bit and then I inquired about getting on the track only to be halted in my tracks by classes, certifications and calendar conflicts.  I understand the need for these things especially on such a small and fast track but regardless I ran out of steam and just as the excitement came it also went.  I can also loose interest very quickly.

Fast forward 1 year and a few personal connections later and some good timing and I was on my way to the BIC for my intro session.  My bike dusty and still in the shed,  no handlebars or pedals,  my track bike from a year ago was not to be on this day.  I arrived at BIC and got all the details ironed out in a nervousness I have not experienced in sometime.  The smell of the track,  the thundering sounds of the wood velo being used all made me giddy with excitement and I babbled like an idiot.  My friend and teammate Nick whom is a instructor there got me out this day and was to certify me and teach me the basics.  With no bike in tow I was at the mercy of the BIC‘s bike selection which was pretty decent and I choose the most basic steel Fuji to ride,  it is more my style – no frills, slightly tattered and far-from-anything-RAPHA that I could find.

I was scared.  I was scared for the people on the track and for Nick.  I felt as if I had never ridden a bike.

The velo intimidated me:
Construction: Wood
Overall Length: 142 meters
Maximum Banking (corners): 45 degrees<
Minimum Banking (straights): 16 degrees

We ran through some basics and rode around the apron, not knowing that in my past life I rode around Philly on a lame excuse for a hipster fixie that eventually got hit by a car as it was parked on the sidewalk. So, I was able to get going pretty quickly and within 10 minutes I was zipping around the track, white knuckled and scared stiff. It took a bunch of laps to relax a little bit and get into the flow.Nick jumped on the track with his buddy Walt and we rode a paceline at tempo and they ran over the details of pulling off and flowing around the track. It was nerve-wracking speeding around the track with a few others in tow, the laps were so fast and my head was swirling. After a dozen or so laps we exited the track and my head and body were a tad wobbly from going around in circles so many times but I was overwhelmed with excitement and for that moment everything was new and fresh.

I enter 2011 with something new to write about,  something fresh to hold onto for just a little bit as all the thoughts, dreams and plans for 2011 swirl around in my head.  I got bitten by the velo and I have now enrolled in an 8 week class,  I hope to attend every session and write more about this new experience.

Stick!

The race started out pretty mellow,  but up the first pitch of the day a group rolled off the front of 4 riders,  it was given a leash and usually they come back,  but on this day it did not.  So,  with one lap to go I attacked and just went for it,  an suicide attempt to bridge to the break which was coming back but was not going to come back.  After I separated myself from the 78 other riders I looked back and noticed a rider coming across,  I stayed steady and he eventually caught me. It was Paolo Zenoni,  he came through and worked as hard as we could to the base of the finishing climb. We were both evenly matched,  we knew the front was gone so we started to race for 4th and 5th.  I attacked and he came with,  a brief moment and he went,  I followed.  He went again and I followed again,  I immedietly went again,  but no chance,  he threw in one more and I was done,  I tailed off and rolled in behind him.

After the race he came up and introduced himself and we chatted a bit,  he had an Italian accent but spoke great english. From that day on all the races I did I chatted it up with Paolo and we always laughed a bunch.  We can up in the same fashion,  upgrading to 3′s and 2′s in the same time frame. Once we became cat 2′s I saw less of Paolo and eventually I never saw him again.

I recently read about him passing on on Fincraft Coaching and it made me sad,  so cheers to you Paolo and for a great race some years ago.

For me cyclocross racing is over, the colder days are here, the lower light in the sky and now the preparation for next seasons racing season about start. After months and months of training, travel and racing it all comes to a close, it all comes with the seasons changing. To me there is a sigh of relief and a bit of reflection. This year especially the “off the bike” time was really great, 2 weeks of just hanging and not a bicycle insight but at the end of the tunnel is the start of rebuilding for 2011 and a lot of lonely miles. Cycling is a lonely sport.

The lonesome road awaits, the process of layering up, pumping up the tires and taking the first pedal strokes in utter silence with the brain calculating, singing, digesting what might be ahead. A grunt or 2 as the water splashes while preparing bottles, a sigh of disgust at the lost arm warmer and optimistic task for the day which for me often comes up short – “Gonna ride 4 hours today”, but in reality I get 2.5 hours in.

The lonesome road is more lonesome with winter gear on, the tight wraps around the head with senses slightly altered and the sound of breathing enhanced brings us closer to ourselves enhancing the lonesome road. Daydreaming turns hours into minutes, amazingly a 3 hour ride can pass by in blink of the eye when the brain is allowed to wander and creatively pass the time with vivid stories or visions. Fighting the ride, fighting the hours ahead and trying to make it pass longer will only derail the ride and make the anxiety and stress build. Let go. Let go.

The countless hours of riding with only a few waves and hellos to the passers by, could it be classified as torture or therapy? I think it depends, each ride is different and maybe one day is mental torture and the next is therapy. A perfect cycle of self mutilation, I think as a cyclist, training is the time of guilt and reward and riding is the time for torture and therapy. I do look forward to this time of year, it is my time to sort out things, get things right with a lot of positive energy swirling around amongst a bunch of chaotic thoughts and actions.

Loading up the music player is a careful and intimate process carefully planning out the play list. A play list that hopefully will enhance the next few hours of solitude and open road, perhaps a soundtrack to life – or at least life as seen through a set of Oakleys and a cold chill on the forehead. That playlist when dialed in just right is repeated over and over and a detailed connection is made with the songs and artists, almost as if they were there during the time on the lonesome road.

How many times can I ride the same route? I go at it alone on the same road every day and every day I look for variety – it comes with speed, song and thoughts. The road is the same canvas for my brain to explode and expand. I am on the lonesome road, once again.