The break is up the road, I am in it. Like a well oiled machine we rotate, legs burning. My body, my mind, my legs all in sync, doing the work. A small smile, a glint of hope, life is now in sync once more. Time ticks on, it gets faster, harder, the work is more labored the pain more pronounced. One moment the body is in harmony the next it is shattered. Dropping a glass on the ground, broken into pieces, order to chaos. It is time to get dropped. Circles turn to squares, lids half open, a few inches feel like a few yards, dangling on by a thread. What can be done? The right words? A different posture? A better sip? It might be too late and as it comes closer to the end I wonder if it is worth the investment? Throw it in now and ease the pain and anxiety? Plod on and hope for the best? Keep turning over the pedals, try and gain some composure, an acceleration is all it will take, one action, one brave soul. Will I come out on top or will I be dropped? Only time will tell.

Pedal. Breath. Gaze. Pedal. Grunt. Pedal. Cold air in, warmer air out. Mist, clouds and mountains. Rolling up a canyon on a glazed over winter day with changing weather looming on the horizon. The air is crisp the trees are still and the clouds are heavy. The rode is sharp, the contrast is flat and the corners clean, not a sole in sight. The alpine climbs are heaven, away from problems below, raw and endless. I feel a sense of security, a feeling of contentment, not felt for a bit. My legs are tired and weepy, filled with dead energy. Days and weeks of tense arbitration, not a pedal stroke to relieve the tension. Today, tired and broken, my body and mind forge on, feeling pain, a cadence oh to slow but getting the job done. As altimeter ticks on the mist turns to snow, the cold turns colder my brain has stopped, just focusing on what is ahead. Keep rolling.

Wow, what can I say. The last year has really been one of the most interesting and possibly disappointing ever. Life is good as they say, live in a great place, have a great house, great dog (and cats), great girl, good friends, good jobs and the list can go on and on. There is something powerful in my life that just looks down on me, frowns on my life. It seems that no matter how good things are for me, it just isn’t enough. Over the course of the last year I have smiled, laughed, cried with the best of the them. The highest of highs in life and the lowest of lows. From injurys to deaths. This is the stuff that makes a human grow, that should make me grow but I feel as though there is no trust, there is no compassion and in the end I am alone – alone to deal with the heartache, the disappointment and finally the rejection. It is hard being feeling the way I feel right now, so hard. It seems that just one month ago I felt polar opposite and for some reason, some force, some demon has once again stepped in and squashed all that was good and for god sake took it all away again. I start a new job in one week, one where I thought I would enter the doors of this new place excited and positive. I was told once not long ago that I [...]